Dear diary
by n231
Summary: Hilary writes down her life. Meet her friends and family. The life of a teenage girl who has a never ending roloercoster of a life!
1. Peanuts,family and blunt objects

28th December 2003  
Well my life has taken a twist. First off the Christmas party was a  
complete disaster! Who knew Max was allergic to nuts. Kai and me spent 7  
hours in the emergency room while the doctors were sorting him out. Kai  
said look Hilary it's not your entire fault. What did he mean by that? Not  
my entire fault. I didn't make the cake I bought it! Tyson won't shut up.  
So I threw the nearest blunt object at his head. Unfortunately it was my  
new diary, so the cover has a dent in it now. I told them I just pray the  
New Year will mean a change in my other wise difficult life. Ray said he  
didn't know what I was talking about.  
Well here are the gifts I got:  
Ray-Red beaded necklace  
Max-A cute teddy  
Kenny-A digital watch  
Kai-This diary  
Tyson-An empty box that once contained chocolate  
I am sleeping over at Tyson's with everyone. My older sister and brother  
came home for Christmas. My brother is Ok, but my sister. She is such a  
prissy perfect popular princess! My mum loves her. Me and my brother just  
put up with her. That is why I am sleeping at Tyson's, I will kill my  
sister if she says one more thing about me needing to change my looks and  
my friends. I will be glad when she goes tomorrow. Kenny said some thing  
about some of their friends from the world championships coming to visit.  
Great just what I need, nothing but beyblade for weeks! 


	2. Why do I even bother?

29th December 2003  
I still mad at Tyson. He ate the chocolates that were supposed to be my  
Christmas present! And he still gave me the empty box! He said 'Hey Hill  
there was meant to be chocolates but I ate them'. He said it so casually  
too! As if he didn't care! I regret getting him than weight disk that Kenny  
told me he needed. Kai said the electronic planner I got him would be  
useful for school. Max loved the cookies I got him. Ray was pleased with  
the book I got him. Kenny was overjoyed with the circuit board. Even if  
they didn't like the presents they were just being polite. But Tyson 'Oh a  
weight disk'. I spent ages trying to find the exact one. A whole week! Next  
year he gets a dictionary. I will underline tact, polite and pig! Sometimes  
I don't know why I bother. 


	3. Spice and chess

29th December 2003  
12:00 P.M  
We went to the airport to meet The majestics, The white tigers and The all  
stars. What a waste of time! I left just after the all stars arrived.  
Nobody noticed anyway. So I didn't meet the other two teams at the  
airport. I am at Tyson's house playing chess with his grandpa.  
1:00 P.M  
Kenny just call said that the white tigers won't be coming to Japan after  
all. So they were coming home. Tyson had the nerve to yell 'Get some food  
ready!'  
1:30 P.M  
I am getting food ready. But it's the only thing I can cook right. Spice  
snaps.  
1:45 P.M  
Tyson has just accused me of trying to kill him. I forgot he hates spicy  
food. Max said the spice snaps were ok. I would of given Tyson a good  
whack, but he was lucky guests were present. I am playing chess with  
grandpa but some kid called Johnny is watching us.  
2:15 P.M  
I beat Johnny at chess 11 times. His friend Robert said he was just a bad  
player. So we played a game.  
2:50 P.M  
I beat Robert twice. Johnny was laughing his head off. Tyson was  
complaining that chess was a boring useless game. This girl Emily tried to  
beat me but I won. Kai told Tyson it took a certain intelligence to play  
chess and another to win. Tyson said it was simple so he tried to beat me.  
3:15 P.M  
I have beaten Tyson if five moves.  
11:00 P.M  
We all just talked after I beat Tyson at chess. Emily and Michel said that  
Eddie and Steve couldn't come because they had flu. They just went on and  
on about beyblade. How can you go on about one thing for over 2 hours! I  
left thinking nobody notice. But when I was going out the door Robert asked  
why was I going. We stood alone in the hallway for 5 minutes while I tried  
to think of an excuse. I said I have some homework that I really needed to  
do. He asked me would I be around tomorrow. I said I would be. Maybe he is  
a bit ticked off I beat him at chess and wants a rematch?  
  
Note: Tell me what you think will happen next! Please review. 


	4. Breakfast, nerd girl and ice cream

30th December 2003  
Well today was strange. I come to practise, which usually involves getting  
Tyson out of bed. Johnny suggested we pour water on him. Enrique held his  
nose. That woke him up. Oliver and Ray made breakfast. While everyone was  
eating I sat outside (I had already eaten before I came round). Robert came  
out and asked me why was I not having any breakfast. I told him I already  
had some. He asked me kind of beyblade technique I use. I told him 'none  
because I don't blade'. He looked let down. While they were practising  
Emily asked me the same thing. She said (loudly) 'how can you be on a  
beyblade team when you have never spun a blade in your life?'  
I felt like telling her to shut up and tell her that she is a total nerd.  
What a stuck up girl! Max said 'just cause she doesn't blade doesn't mean  
she is not part of our team'. That shut her up. I told her I helped them  
train. Kenny began to tell her how I made the training plan for the MG core  
by myself. Michel said that was really impressive cause at the time I knew  
practically nothing about beyblades. I went for a walk but Max came and  
asked me did I want to get some ice cream or something. We ended up having  
ice cream and a movie. I am glad he didn't ask me in front of everyone. So  
nobody knows, except Ray. 


	5. Sink, water and wow!

31st December 2003  
The New Year party was one to remember. Tyson passed out cause when he bent  
down to get more drinks he banged his head on the sink. Enrique tried to  
kiss me when the clock struck 12 but I jumped up and knocked him over. He  
didn't mind though. I was staying round cause it was late. When I went to  
get a drink of water when everyone was asleep Robert was still awake. He  
said he was sorry for Enrique's behaviour. I told him it was ok. We sat up  
and talked. When I got up to put the glass in the sink, Robert followed me.  
I thought he wanted a drink to. Was I wrong. My mouth still tingles. 


	6. Ice, talks and goodbye

1st January 2004  
10:00 A.M  
We woke Tyson with cold water. Kai put a few ice-cubes in it, which I think  
did the trick. I didn't feel like breakfast. I sat outside. Robert came up  
to me and asked me how I felt about last night. I said I was confused but  
in a good way. What did I mean? Well I am confused but not that I am afraid  
of something. I don't know what to make of last night. He said we could  
talk later in the park if I wanted to. I said I would. What is going on? I  
wish I could talk to someone. I know who not to talk to. Tyson, Emily and I  
don't know why but Max, I don't want them to know. Tyson will tease me for  
weeks. Emily will just be even snobbish. Max I think will be hurt. I am not  
vain of anything but I think he wanted to be more than friends. I won't go  
to Kai I would just feel stupid. I could go to Ray he has been like a big  
brother to me. Michel, forget it. Maybe I should go to Oliver he seems like  
he would take it the right way, and Robert is his friend. I think Johnny  
and Enrique would blow it out of proportion. I will talk to Oliver later.  
11:30 A.M  
Oliver was ok with it. He said he could tell Robert liked me. I asked him  
why would Robert like me. Oliver said it was because of my determination  
and confidence along with my spirit. He went all deep for a while. I asked  
him should I go to the park to meet him. Oliver said I should only if I  
felt the same way.  
12:15 P.M  
I think I like Robert. Why would I be going to the park?  
10:20 P.M  
Robert and me talk. He said last night was just amazing. I didn't expect  
him to say that. Then before I knew what I was say I said 'yeah'. What did  
I just say! He asked me did I like Tyson. I almost fell off the bench. I  
told him Tyson was just a friend. He seemed relived after I said that. He  
said if things were different he would like to keep seeing me, but he had  
to return home. We exchange e-mail and phone numbers. Then we just talked.  
He said he had to go to pack, but as soon as he got home he would e-mail  
me. I felt weird at that point. I said I would miss him and asked would we  
still be friends at long distance. He said we would be friends, as he  
didn't want a long distance relationship. I agreed with him. I know feel  
sad. Then we said goodbye. My mouth tingles again. I wish things were  
different. 


	7. Email, shock and how to tell

2nd January 2004  
Got e-mail from Robert.  
  
Hilary  
The journey was long and boring. Oliver told me you spoke to him. I am  
sorry if I confused you, I was too. Johnny knows about the New Years party.  
Enrique is too busy chatting up every girl he sees to notice. I didn't  
think I would see the day I would be thankful Enrique is a flirt. Have you  
told anyone? Please tell Tyson when he is having a serious moment if you do  
tell him. Tell Kai or Ray first they are older. Max will be hurt; he has a  
crush on you. Don't tell Max you know he likes you he will be humiliated if  
he knew you knew. Why don't you go ad tell him away from the others.  
I miss you, but I want you to still go out with other people. We cant have  
a long distance relationship, I know you feel the same.  
E-mail me back.  
Robert  
  
Max likes me! So that's why he asked me out to get ice cream. This is what  
I sent Robert.  
  
Robert  
I will tell the others what happened. I will take your advice how to tell  
them. I don't want to hurt Max but they all have to know if one of them  
knows. I will have to work to drive conversation into that area. Harder  
than it sounds. Hope you all have a safe journey. I miss you too.  
E-mail me soon.  
Hilary  
  
Tried to tell Kenny (what was I thinking?) but when I said 'have you ever  
kissed?' he went all red and said he had some data to work on. I hope he  
didn't take it the wrong way. I eventually told Ray. He was a bit shocked  
but said he was fine with it. He also said he would help me tell the  
others. Tomorrow they will find out. I wonder is breaking your leg really  
painful? 


	8. Delayed, soup and why me?

3rd January 2004  
Michel and Emily are staying longer because their flight was delayed. Ray  
said I should tell the others about Robert and me when they have left. I  
don't need Emily making lies about me. Max came up to me after practise  
wanting to know if I wanted to get some lunch. I know he likes me and I  
don't want to hurt him. Why did I say yes? Maybe I do like Max the way he  
likes me? Robert did say I should go out with other people. I got e-mail  
today.  
Hilary  
How have you been? My tutor has given me a lot of homework. Have you said  
anything to them yet? Sorry this is so short.  
Robert  
I sent him this.  
Robert  
I am fine. Hope the homework doesn't get you down. I have told Ray, but I  
haven't told anyone else yet because Michel and Emily are still here. Max  
asked me to lunch, it was really nice. I don't want to hurt him but when he  
knows he will be hurt. There is no way around it; he will be hurt one way  
or another. I think I like him, but I don't know which way.  
Hilary  
At lunch Max was being really sweet. He said I could have anything I  
wanted. We went to the new restaurant. It was really expensive. I just  
ordered soup. I didn't want Max bursting the bank on me. I feel bad. I  
guess I like him but because of what I need to tell him I feel really  
guilty. I hope when the time comes that he will understand.  
Ray says that Michel and Emily will be gone tomorrow and I should tell  
them. The sooner the better. I hope they take it the right way. Knowing  
them Tyson will not shut up about it and Kenny will go all red. Kai won't  
care. I don't know how Max will react. Ray says it will be ok. Some how I  
know it won't go the way I want it to. 


	9. Talking and telling

4th January 2004  
I was having a walk through the park when Max came up to me. He asked me  
did I want to see a movie or something. I couldn't take it any longer. I  
said I needed to tell him something. We sat on a bench. Well this is what  
basically happened.  
  
Me: Max I need to tell you guys something but I want to tell you now.  
Max: What is it?  
Me: At the New Years party when everyone went to bed I got a drink of  
water.  
Max: Ok?  
Me: Robert was still up and we talked, then when I went to put my glass in  
the sink and after I turned around.  
Max: Yes  
Me: We kissed  
Max: Was it that one time?  
Me: Well the day he left we had a talk and  
Max: Kissed again  
Me: Yes  
Max: Do you like him?  
Me: I don't know  
Max: Does he like you?  
Me: I m not sure  
Max: Can we talk later about this, it's a lot to take in  
Me: Yes, of course  
  
I also got e-mail  
  
Hilary  
I know Max likes you but you have to tell him. He will still care about you  
after he will just be a bit crushed. You should tell him how you feel about  
him.  
I do care for you. Do you feel the same? Or do you like Max? You're  
probably confused. I don't mean to worry you. It is just how I feel.  
I miss you.  
Robert  
  
I am glad I told Max. When I told the others, it went like this.  
  
Tyson: Your kidding, right?  
Ray: No she is not kidding  
Kenny: Well it's not really any of our business anyway  
Tyson: What do you mean! None of our business!  
Kai: None of us were there  
Tyson: So?  
Ray: Just calm down Tyson. It was a one-time thing.  
Tyson: Wait a minute! Ray how do you know that?  
Ray: Well Hilary came to me to talk about it  
Tyson: What!  
Max: Calm down Tyson it was a one-time thing anyway  
Tyson: Yeah I suppose.  
  
Even though Tyson said he understood, he won't shut up. I left early. Max  
came up to me and asked me could we talk. We went for a walk. I told him  
that I like Robert, but I think it's just a short thing. He smiled and said  
'Could we go to the movies now?'  
It was great being with Max. After he walked me home. He asked me could we  
go out again. I said yes. This year could be different. 


	10. Confused, letters and just friends

16th January 2004  
It has been a while since I wrote in my diary. I got e-mail from Robert, he  
hasn't e-mail me since I told him about Max.  
  
Hilary  
I fell hurt. I know we are distant, but I still want to be close. I don't  
know how that is impossible at the moment, but I will find how we can.  
Robert  
  
My mum has just told me that we got a letter from dad. He is in Germany  
because he works at a collage there. She says we cant live apart forever.  
What does that mean? I miss my dad, but I love being in Japan. Mum has  
lived here all her life so she would find it hard to move. I want to cry,  
laugh and scream at the same time, how weird is that? This is what I sent  
Robert.  
  
Robert  
Sorry if you are mad with me. I got a letter from my dad. I might be moving  
to Germany. I don't know how I am going to cope. I will miss all my  
friends. Don't you live in Germany? Well if I do move I will have a least  
one friend. Sorry if that sounded selfish.  
Max and me talked, we have found out we are just close friends. Like  
brothers and sisters.  
I feel so strange lately, probably because I will leave home soon.  
Hilary  
  
What am I going to do?  
  
Note: Will Hilary and Robert meet up in Germany? Will they be more than  
just friends? Will you review? 


	11. Packing, presents and goodbye

19th January 2004  
Well we are moving to Germany. In fact we are leaving today. The guys were  
all teary and sad. Tyson said he would miss arguing with me.  
They gave me presents:  
Ray-lunch on the plane  
Kenny-a book I have wanted  
Kai-beyblade  
Max-a puppy plush  
Tyson-a photo of all of us together  
I cried. We all had a group hug (except Kai). I said I would write whenever  
I could. I have got e-mail from Robert  
  
Hilary  
I will meet you at the airport.  
Robert  
  
Short, here is what I sent  
  
Robert  
I guess I will see you there. Mum is getting a different flight to me  
because she is travelling with the furniture. I am going to miss everyone.  
My older brothers will also be there to meet up with me.  
I will see you soon.  
Hilary  
  
I don't know what I am going to say. What can I say? My brothers will be  
there so I can't say exactly what I want. I wonder what will happen when I  
get there. My brothers are all older than I am. Shaw and Ronan are in  
collage and Pete is in his last year of high school. This is going to take  
a lot of thinking. 


	12. Airport, mugging and siblings

20th January 2004  
I arrived in Germany. My brothers were there and that's ok, but my sister  
was there! My sister, who I have neglected to say her name (Karin) and Pete  
went to get my bags.  
Shawn and Ronan went to get a taxi. I just stood there. Then someone put  
his or her arms around me. I thought it was someone trying to mug me. So I  
elbowed his gut. I turned to see who it was. It was Robert!  
Here is how the conversation went:  
  
Me: Oh my gosh! Robert I didn't realise it was you!  
Robert: Well at least you can protect yourself  
Me: Sorry  
Robert: If the pain I am feeling is any indication of how much you missed  
me I would say, a lot.  
Me: I have missed you  
Robert: How much?  
Me: How can I explain that? (Really how can you explain that)?  
Robert: Let show tell you  
(I think you can guess what happens her)  
Me: That's one way  
Robert: So are the girl and those three boys over there watching us your  
brothers and sister?  
(At this point I could have died)  
Me: Maybe  
Robert: Can't we go over and say hello?  
Me: You want to meet my family?  
Robert: Yes  
Me: Do you want to?  
Robert: You are going to have to face them soon  
(At this point my siblings had rushed over grinning like mad)  
Shawn: So Hilary who is this?  
Ronan: Like we need to know what he is though  
Robert: I'm Robert a friend of your sister  
Pete: We know you're her 'friend'  
Me: (I am a red as a tomato) Close friend  
(They all laugh both me and Robert went a bright shade of red)  
Karin: We kind of guessed that  
Shawn: Sorry about that, my name is Shawn (Shakes Roberts hand)  
Ronan: Ronan  
Pete: Pete  
Karin: Karin and I see you have 'met' our baby sister Hilary  
(They carry my stuff to the taxi still giggling)  
Robert: They seem  
Me: Rude  
Robert: They meant well  
Me: Yeah I guess  
Robert: Will you call me later?  
Me: Yeah ok  
(We say bye and I go outside to the taxi)  
  
My sister would not shut up! When we got to the house mum and dad had  
sorted my room and stuff. We had a dinner of soup. Dad asked how I was, I  
said tired. They could not help themselves. My siblings started to laugh  
really loudly. I left dinner early.  
I called Robert. He said they were just playing. I hope they don't mention  
anything to mum and dad. Why did I leave dinner early? 


	13. Date, roses and a fight

25th March 2004  
I haven't written in my diary for ages! I know it's a bit late but Robert  
completely surprised me on Valentines Day. First he bought me a new dress.  
It's short, black and has tiny red roses on the straps. I couldn't believe  
the price he paid. I tried to refuse but he said he wanted to give me a  
treat.  
He told me to get ready and he would pick me up at eight that night. He  
picked me up in his new car and gave me a huge bunch of red scented roses.  
Then he drove us to the harbour, at first I wondered what he was up to. He  
then put a blindfold on me and led me somewhere. I thought madly at some  
point that he was going to throw me in the water. He took the blindfold off  
and there was a beautiful yacht!  
We sailed around the harbour while we had a candle light dinner. After that  
we just talked and looked at the stars. Robert tried to teach me some  
constellations. We gave up and spied on Enrique who was on a date with a  
girl in a near by restaurant. He must have said something offensive because  
she slapped him, tipped her food on his head and walked out. We were  
hysterical, I feel sorry for Enrique though.  
When we came back to the harbour we took a walk on the beach, then caught  
up with Enrique. He was a mess, food all over him! He didn't feel like  
staying so he went home. Robert drove me home and I gave him a goodnight  
kiss. Then I remembered I got his a present. He was please with the new  
beyblade set I got him. I had spent ages trying to find the right one, with  
the help of Oliver. Nothing new has happened since then.  
But last week while Robert was showing me around his castle some kid  
challenged Robert to a beyblade match. We went to the stadium and Robert  
beat his easily. The kid demanded a rematch. Robert said 'You would have a  
better chance against my girlfriend here, the way you blade is pathetic'. I  
couldn't believe he said that, it hurt so much. He thought I was pathetic!  
After the kid left and we went back to the castle, I gave him a piece of my  
mind. It went like this:  
Me: I didn't realise I was that small in your eyes  
Robert: What?  
Me: You called me pathetic  
Robert: No, I called that amateur pathetic  
Me: Yeah, by implying I was pathetic. Do you realise how much that hurts?  
Robert: I didn't mean it like that  
Me: Then why says it?  
Robert: Hilary you mean so much to me, I would never porously hurt you  
Me: But you did  
Robert: I know and I am sorry  
Me: Really?  
Robert: Yes  
Me: But if you do something mean like that again to me, I will hurt you  
Robert: Trust me I don't want to make you hurt me  
Me: (I sit on the sofa) Come here  
So we basically had an intimate moment on his sofa. Not that intimate!  
I found out I don't like fighting with Robert. I like being with him no  
matter what the situation. I didn't think my first relationship would be  
this amazing. 


	14. Left alone and lessons

27th March 2004  
Today was just weird. Johnny came to visit Robert and do some training. I  
went to see Robert but he went off to do some solitary training and left  
Johnny and me alone. I was a bit angry but after I let it go.  
Johnny and me spent the day together; he is really nice once you get to  
know him. I think it's the hot head in him that puts you off a bit.  
We played tennis, I beat him. He said he was glad I didn't blade because if  
I did I could probably beat him. I said I probably would be a really bad  
blader. He said that if I just put what I do in other sports into beyblade  
I would be really good. He said he would teach me and asked if I had a  
blade. I said Kai gave me one as a goodbye present when I left Japan. We  
both agreed as Robert would be training most of the time it would keep us  
both from being bored.  
So tomorrow I learn to beyblade. I hope the blade Kai gave me is good  
enough. 


	15. Lessons, practice and odd feelings

28th March 2004  
Robert has left me alone again. So Johnny and me are using the bey stadium  
in Roberts castle. Johnny is a really good teacher, I guess he has put the  
hot air in his head to good use. He showed me how to launch properly by  
standing behind me and putting my hands on the launcher in the right way.  
He helped me with the first launch, still holding my hands in the right  
place. It felt really weird, like I was doing something wrong. Johnny told  
me I was doing great so it couldn't of been the way I blade. I wonder what  
it was?  
I was wearing my black vest top and dark brown jean shorts with my black  
leather casual boots, so I could move easily. Johnny told me that me  
training with the bladebreakers was showing through because I was using  
some of their moves. I didn't know I was, I must have picked it up. I had a  
practise battle against Johnny and I was really bad. I guess it was because  
I was worrying. He said I should try and relax and I would be ok. I am  
going to try again tomorrow. 


	16. Angry, complicated and cavemen?

4th April 2004  
What is going on! I was training with Johnny and Robert comes in, drags me  
out and says I can't train with Johnny any more. What is wrong with me  
training with a friend? I ask why and his quickly says he wants to help me  
train. Is he mad at Johnny and me for spending time with each other? We are  
friends, why would he think any different? I told him to relax and I asked  
why did he really want to train with me. He said he wanted to make up for  
not being around lately and he got lonely training by himself. I gave him a  
hug and told him, he was really sweet. We would of kissed and forgot our  
little 'fight' but Johnny coughed and asked if he was interrupting. Robert  
gave him a dirty look and stalked off.  
Johnny asked what was up. I said I really didn't know. I don't know what's  
going on. Why is Robert being so touchy? Can't he see I only want him? I  
think some how he has got it into his head that I am cheating on him with  
Johnny. I would never do that!  
I have just talked to Karin about this, big mistake. She went on how seen  
as Robert and me have only been going out since I came to Germany, it is  
only natural that he will be hostile around other males. Was she talking  
about dogs or my boyfriend trouble? She went on that when boys go shopping  
they get cavemen instincts and they only want to get what they want and go  
back home to their 'cave' or 'dwelling'. (A.N: This is actually been  
scientifically proven!) I looked at her as if she was mad and slowly edged  
towards the door nodding.  
Well at least I get to spend the day with Robert and maybe we could to  
about his 'hostility' as my sister puts it. I will have to talk to mum or  
dad about Karin and her mental state another time. Life is getting so  
complicated! 


	17. More stange feelings and touch that ting...

6th April 2004  
Robert got sick so he couldn't train with me. He has been in his room for  
two days now. I hope he gets better soon.  
Johnny and me trained as usual, but we didn't train as long. We went for a  
walk in the garden; it was a nice sunny day. Anyway as I was looking at the  
view towards the Olympia stadium, I felt a hand trying to hold mine! It  
really creeped me out so I quickly pulled away. It had to be Johnny because  
he was standing right next to me. Has Johnny been giving off signs he likes  
me? Because that would explain why Robert has been edgy lately. I didn't  
mention it because I could be wrong, it could have been a plant in the  
breeze. Johnny has been acting strange anyway; every time we talk he seems  
to stammer and is sometimes stuck for words. Sometimes when we touch or  
brush past each other, I feel tingly and it feels like I am about to go  
really red. It's probably because we have only been friends for a while  
now. Yeah, that's it. I hope. 


	18. Guilty until proven inoccent and ashamed

8th April 2004  
I don't think I will ever leave my room after what happened today. Robert  
says it's not my fault, but I still think it is.  
I was training with Johnny, Robert was still sick in bed. Anyway as we were  
clearing up, I rested against the wall. Johnny came and stood in front of  
me and told me I have been improving. I closed my eyes to take a breather.  
I have been feeling rather strange around him lately. I think I may have a  
little crush on him. As I had my eyes closed I felt two hands on my hips. I  
thought he must think I have fainted so I opened my eyes to prove I was ok.  
When I opened my eyes I was face to face with Johnny staring into his eyes.  
He grinned, I could tell because he eyes changed. They smile when he  
smiles. He whispered, close to my lips 'I really like you Hilary'. I was  
too shocked to move, before I could say anything he kissed me! He was  
really soft and gentle. He tried to pull me closer to him but I pulled  
away. I got my blade and ran up to Robert's bedroom.  
When the butler opened the door I was all ready in tears. Robert told me to  
come in, he looks really ill. He sat up in his bed and asked me what was  
wrong. I felt so guilty; I practically threw myself at him and bawled out  
exactly what had happened. He held me and told me it would be ok and it was  
not my fault. I cuddled close; he is so sweet and loving. Robert told the  
butler to get Johnny and bring him to the bedroom.  
While he was gone Robert kissed me and said he didn't blame me for what  
happened. I just held onto him, afraid of what was going to happen. He told  
me that he would ask Johnny why he did what he did. When Johnny came he  
said he couldn't say why he kissed me. I hid my face from him in Robert's  
arms. I have never felt so bad, even though I didn't kiss back. Robert said  
Johnny should leave and call him when he had a better explanation. When he  
left, Robert said he was sorry. I asked why, he told me that he couldn't be  
a very good boyfriend if other guys thought that they could get away with  
anything. I told him he was a great boyfriend and I didn't want any other  
guy but him. We just held each other for ages. I didn't want to leave but  
it was getting late. I will some how manage to drag myself out of bed  
tomorrow and see Robert. To make up for what happened, I will take care of  
him until he gets better. 


	19. Baby, cuddle and intimate talk

9th April 2004  
I wore my black mini skirt and a light pink button up shirt when I went  
over to see Robert today. He spent the whole day sitting in bed. Poor guy,  
he is really pale. He said I was his little angel, taking care of him. I  
basically babied him all day. He didn't try to hide liking it! He tried to  
convince me I needed to feed him! I know he is sick but not that sick. He  
said he was really weak. Here is how the conversation went  
Robert: Hilary I am so weak. Please feed me  
Me: (In a baby voice) Oh, my poor Robbie. My sick baby. I guess I have to  
take care of you and do your every wish.  
Robert: Please, I am so tired  
Me: (Still doing the baby voice) Robbie, my little sick boy. I know how to  
make you fell better.  
Robert: How will you do that my love?  
Me: (Baby voice) - I have put my hands on my face trying to cover my  
'blush'- Robbie  
Robert: Yes Hilary  
Me: (Same as before, seeing a pattern?) – I walk over to his bed, sit on it  
and wriggle closer to him- Robbie, how about we  
Robert: Yes  
Me: We  
Robert: Yes, yes  
Me: Take you outside for some fresh air  
Robert: Not what I was hoping for  
Me: Oh and what were you wanting? –Lay my head on his shoulder-  
Robert: Nothing out the ordinary  
Me: Robert  
Robert: Yes  
Me: You were hoping for something else. Something outs the ordinary.  
Robert: What ever gave you that idea?  
Me: Was it the 'Yes, yes' or the grin on your face or maybe it was the look  
of disappointment?  
Robert: Sorry if you were offended.  
Me: Its ok Robert. Maybe one day. You know  
Robert: (Blushes) You really mean that?  
Me: (Red as a beet) –Cuddle closer to him- Well yeah, if you really love  
me. And you want to.  
Robert: Hilary, there are no ifs. I love you.  
Me: I love you too.  
Robert: One day when we are ready then can we?  
Me: Maybe.  
  
I thought about our discussion. Would Robert and me really get 'that'  
intimate? I love him so much, but I don't think I want to, you know the  
first chance I get. Robert is my first boyfriend. I will have to see how  
things go and anyway I am 15 so I have a year to legally wait. Ant even  
then it's my choice if I want to. It a very big maybe, hopes he doesn't get  
his hopes too high. 


	20. Training, friends and over protected

12th April 2004  
Robert is back to normal. We spent the day training together, I think he  
held back when we battled. His bitbeast is really amazing, if I had one I  
know I would stand a chance against him. Johnny has apologised for what he  
did. He said he let a crush get the better of him and will learn to control  
himself. So we are all friends again. I am glad, he is a good friend and  
doesn't 'wrap me in cotton wool' when we train and battle. I asked Robert  
why he held back, he said he didn't want to discourage me. He treats me as  
if I am made of glass. I wish he wouldn't. 


	21. Making up, horror and tomorrows

17th April 2004  
11:00 A.M.  
Robert has backed off a bit after I told him that I felt overprotected. But  
its like he is avoiding me. I hope he is not too hurt. It seems that lately  
all we do is have little arguments. I will talk to him later.  
10:00 P.M.  
I talked to Robert. God it's like talking to a deaf person. I love him I  
really do but sometimes he just pushes it. He said 'I am just a bit  
overprotective recently because of what Johnny did'. It had to come back to  
that. I don't know what's worse, Robert talking about it, Johnny hiding in  
shame or me having a little crush on Johnny. Can't we just forget it? It  
will help me get off this crush and back onto Robert but the way he  
constantly 'holds my hand' he doesn't need to bring up the incident. When  
Robert acts really overprotective I think about running away and calling  
Johnny and having a talk with him or emailing him. Dam that kiss! Why am I  
bringing it up?  
After we talked about it we agreed that Robert would cool off because I am  
not looking at any other guy but him. To make up for his behaviour he took  
me shopping I wore my medium length black dress that has straps and my  
black slingback sandals. He bought me a necklace! It's a diamond in the  
shape of a heart on a silver chain. I said I feel bad that I can't get him  
anything. He said he was the one acting stupid so he was the one to buy me  
a present.  
We went to a horror movie and he booked the whole theatre just so we could  
be alone. It was dead scary; I clinging to Robert so hard his arm went  
numb. He didn't seem to mind because he pulled me on his lap so I wouldn't  
be too scared. Then this totally gruesome scene came on; I quietly screamed  
and wrapped my arms around Robert's neck and buried my face into his  
shoulder until the movie was over. Its not fair, Robert is a bit older than  
I am so he can get us into movies that I usually cant get into. We went  
home in his limo, why is he always driven around in it? Oh well. He said I  
was practically choking him, I laid his head on my lap then I kissed his  
sore neck better on the way home. But he put the window between the driver  
and us up first. I don't want of Robert's staff knowing what we get up to!  
Tonight was amazing; he really knows how to make it up to a girl! I will  
spend some time with the bladebreakers tomorrow! They are coming for a  
friendly match with Robert's team. For some unknown reason Enrique is  
staying over at my house will he is here. Why can't he go to Robert's  
castle I don't know? Have to go Enrique is looking over my shoulder trying  
to read this. 


	22. Secrets reveiled, meeting old friends an...

18th April 2004  
I am going to kill Enrique when I find him! He read my diary! He said it  
fell off my desk and opened on April the 8th. After I put him in a headlock  
he promised he wouldn't tell anyone and my secret was safe with him. He  
asked me was Johnny a good kisser! I hit him with my blue elephant plush.  
He said if I liked it, it would explain why Johnny seems to be daydreaming  
all day. I asked how long had he been like that, Enrique said since he  
arrived.  
Enrique and me went to the Hotel the bladebreakers are staying at. It's  
been ages since I have seen them! Kenny has actually grown! Here is how it  
went.  
All of them: Hilary!  
Me: Hey guys! I missed you all  
Ray: (hugs me) We've missed you too. Look at how much Kenny has grown!  
Max: It's been really quiet without you and Tyson arguing  
Tyson: Very funny. (Hugs me) How have you been Hill?  
Me: Fine. What have you all been up to?  
Kai: Nothing much. I have just been whipping these guys into shape the past  
few months.  
Tyson: Wow! He actually talks!  
Ray: So how is your new school Hilary?  
Me: Ok  
Max: I can't wait for this match!  
Kenny: I can!  
Me: Why?  
Max: Oh the usual reasons.  
Me: I know all of those  
Enrique: Well the match is tomorrow and your welcome to train at the castle  
Tyson: Yeah!  
We all went to the castle. Robert and Johnny were training. Max and Enrique  
started to play a game of tennis, while they were playing Oliver told me he  
needed to talk to me about something after the match tomorrow. I wonder  
what it is? After everyone trained the bladebreakers went back to their  
hotel. I went to find Robert. I wished him good luck in the match and I  
said I would see him tomorrow. It was already dark so I needed to get home  
soon. Johnny took me aside before I went out. He said he still liked me and  
he wanted to be with me so bad. I said we couldn't be together because I am  
in a really good relationship with Robert. He said he hated the fact that I  
was with someone and it hurt because it really cared for me. I said I was  
really flattered but. I didn't get a chance to finish because he had kissed  
my hand and left. This is getting really weird. 


	23. Battle, party and talking it out

19th April 2004  
I can't believe the match! It was amazing! Oliver went against Ray, Enrique  
against Max, Kai against Johnny and Robert against Tyson. The bladebreakers  
won but the others did great! I went to congratulate Tyson and the guys for  
a while then I went to see the majestics. Robert was a bit down from  
loosing but he got over it. We went back to the castle to celebrate, it was  
just the two teams.  
Oliver took me aside to talk to me. He said Enrique told him about what  
happened between Johnny and me and told me I would have to set Johnny  
straight. I told him about last night and he said this was becoming a  
problem and I should tell Robert and talk to Johnny. I said I was going to  
talk to Robert anyway but talking to Johnny was going to be different.  
Oliver said he would talk to Johnny first while I spoke to Robert.  
Robert was a bit annoyed at first when I took him to one side and told him,  
but his anger was short lived and went to talk to Kai and Ray. Oliver told  
me Johnny was in a room down the corridor and to the left, so nobody would  
hear, he is a wonderful friend and I am lucky to have him as one. I will  
tell him that one-day.  
Johnny was waiting in the room siting on the window ledge looking at the  
rain. I closed the thick (Thank god!) door. This is how it went  
  
Me: Johnny I really need to talk to you about this  
Johnny: This?  
Me: You know. Look I am really happy with Robert and I don't think you  
understand that.  
Johnny: How can I? When I look at you its like I am looking at you the  
first time every time. And I get this rush of emotions and I can't handle  
this.  
Me: It's just a crush. A silly teenage thing. You only think  
Johnny: I love you  
Me: What?  
Johnny: (comes up to me and cups my face in his hands) I love you. I love  
you so much and I can't take it. I had to tell you or it would of come out  
at the wrong time. I know you and Robert care for each other I just had to  
tell you. Even if you hate me and never talk to me again I had to tell you.  
Me: Johnny I didn't know you felt that way  
Johnny: I do, I love you. And always will.  
Me: I  
Johnny: Shhhhh. don't say a thing. (Puts his hands on my shoulders)  
Me: Johnny you have to understand. I am in a relationship, a really good  
one. I don't want to ruin it the same way I don't want to ruin our  
friendship.  
Johnny: I know. But it won't stop me feeling what I do about you  
Me: You will see another girl and fall head over heals in love. Trust me.  
Johnny: (Kisses me on the forehead) It won't happen. I am already in love.  
Me: (Walk towards the door) It will  
  
I don't know what came over me but I walked up to him and kissed him on the  
cheek and said 'You will find in true love'. I won't tell Robert and I know  
Johnny wont tell him either. It was just a kiss like you would give a  
relative.  
I went back to Robert and dragged him away outside into the garden. When I  
knew nobody would see us I kissed him. He asked 'What was that for?' I then  
said  
'Because I love you and you deserve a prize even though you guys didn't  
win'  
'Thank you'  
Everyone went home later then Enrique and me went back to my home to get  
some sleep. Johnny hadn't been seen since I talked to him. I hope he is ok.  
Tomorrow Enrique said me, Oliver and himself were going shopping tomorrow.  
I asked why and he said I hadn't been spending enough time with my friends.  
It will be nice to get a break. 


	24. Trust, kisses and meet my parents

27th April 2004  
Shopping with Enrique last week was great but this week has been awful so  
far. Robert read my diary! I couldn't believe he would do that. It went  
like this, he came round to my house and we went to my room to talk. I went  
out to get us some drinks and while I was gone he picked the lock on my  
diary and read everything! I came in and he had just finished reading my  
last entry. I dropped the drinks when I saw what he was doing. It was like  
he was stepping on my heart for the fun of it. I closed the door and we  
were in silence for what felt like forever.  
'Why did you read my diary? A place where all my thought feelings go  
besides the day's events' I asked him, he still had it in his hand.  
'I don't know'  
'If you don't know then why did you do it?'  
'I guess I wanted to know if everything you have said to me is true'  
'What do you mean?'  
'If you mean it when you say you love me'  
'Why don't you trust or believe me?'  
'I do its just I have never had anyone truly care for me'  
'I do care for you'  
'Really?'  
'Yes don't you know how much I love you, or did you just skim my diary?'  
'Actually I did' I couldn't help it I fell over laughing! Robert put my  
diary down and picked me up. I feel so safe in his arms. He gently laid me  
on my bed and knelt on the floor beside me. I rolled over so I could look  
him in the face. We kissed gently for a while, then he got on my bed and  
lay next to me then we carried on. We were snuggling close and kissing  
deeply, Roberts' a really good kisser. He leaned over me and his hand was  
slowly inching its way up my leg! I gently pushed him off, what if someone  
walked in!  
We sat up, I realised I was very warm. My sister knocked on the door and  
said it was dinnertime. She also said mum wanted me to asked Robert if he  
would like to stay for dinner. I can't believe my mum sometimes! Robert  
said he would stay so he could get to know my family better and see if my  
parents approved of our relationship. I said he didn't have to, but he  
insisted.  
It was not too bad, but still really embarrassing. Robert introduced  
himself to my dad; they were both really formal. My dad's face went all  
weird as if he was trying to probe Robert or something. My mum didn't ask  
any questions, my brothers actually behaved themselves but they still  
swapped their food in trades and Karin actually ate a full meal. It amazing  
she didn't just eats one forkful but her whole plateful! After dinner my  
dad and Robert talked and I washed up with Karin and mum. I could only pray  
that my brother had homework. Mum and Karin were telling me what they  
thought of Robert.  
My mum said 'He is a very nice boy Hilary'  
'Yeah and good looking' I will kill Karin later  
'Karin!'  
'What mum?'  
'And your dad seems to think his is ok'  
'Either that or dad secretly hates him' I will kill her when she is  
sleeping  
'Karin'  
'Sorry mum'  
'Well Hilary me and your dad approve of Robert, his is a nice young man'  
'Hills is he any' but my mum gave Karin a look which made he go to her room  
'Hilary'  
'Yeah mum'  
'Have you and Robert ever...'  
'What?'  
'Have you got intimate with him?' I dropped the plate I was drying.  
'No, we have agreed that we will wait till we are both ready'  
'Good but Hilary if you do'  
'Mum I don't want to talk to you about this stuff'  
'I know dear' I hate it when she says that, because she doesn't know. How  
can she know what it's like to be in love? She is married all the passion  
is gone, not to mention their lives are practically over. I guess that's  
why mum keeps going on we should do things as a family. They just cant bare  
the fact all the kids have lives of their own and they don't have any. They  
want to ruin are social lives because they don't have one.  
Robert told me before he left that he enjoyed meeting my family. It wasn't  
that bad but I would have liked my parent to act a bit differently then  
they did. They are so embarrassing sometimes. Robert said his parents would  
be home for a while and he would like me to meet them. I said I would, then  
he left saying he we would look for a dress to wear to dinner when I meet  
them.  
I wonder what his parents are like? I hope they are nice. 


	25. Dress, meeting your parents and night ti...

2nd May 2004  
I met Robert's parents this evening, I was really nervous. Robert bought me  
a red silk dress with black lace trim that came to my knees. We sat in the  
study for a while before dinner. Robert's mother had a look on her face as  
if someone had shoved a lemon under her nose. His father was OK but they  
would look at each other when I answered some questions.  
Robert's mother asked me really strange questions such as  
1. What country are you from?  
2. Where about did you live?  
3. What do your parents do?  
They asked me normal questions too, through out the evening. A butler came  
in and said weather conditions were awful and it would be foolish for me to  
travel. Robert insisted I stay the night and go home in the morning. After  
dinner we talked some more then we went to our rooms.  
Robert asked me, when he was sure his parents couldn't hear if I wanted to  
stay in his room. I told him we couldn't, not when his parents were in the  
same building.  
Well its late now, so I am going to Robert's room to say good night.  
  
AN: Will Hilary wake up in Robert's room or her room? Tell me what you  
think! 


	26. Morning, last night and scared

3rd May 2004  
Last night I met Robert's parent, which was ok. But this morning I got a  
pleasant surprise. I woke up but I had my eyes closed. I was a bit cold so  
I snuggled closer to this warm thing in my bed. I tried to guess what it  
was because I didn't have any teddies with me and my head was already on  
the pillow. I shivered a bit, why was it so cold? I gave up guessing and  
opened my eyes. I almost fainted; I wasn't in my bed or my room at all! I  
found out why I was cold it was because I didn't have anything on! I found  
out what the warm thing was because it was waking up. Robert woke up and  
looked as shocked as I was. He asked me 'Why is it so cold?' I then said  
'Because neither one of us have any clothes on' It took a while for us to  
get realise what we did last night. All the memories came flooding back; we  
did IT last night! When we came to terms with what had happened we tried to  
remember what we did. We eventually got all the details together and worked  
out that last night was amazing. 'Robert'  
'Yes my love'  
'Do you regret last night?'  
'No how could I? I love you. Do you regret what we did?'  
'No, I love you too'  
'Hilary can I ask you something?'  
'Yes'  
'How many times did we do it last night?'  
'Why?'  
'Because I think we didn't use protection'  
'I don't think we did and I don't remember how many times we did it'  
'It doesn't matter but not to ruin the moment but we should check to see if  
you were lucky'  
'I was think along those lines anyway' we got up and dressed then went to  
breakfast.  
I have been nervous all day I am in Robert's room now; he has gone to get a  
pregnancy test. I will write the result down tomorrow. I am so scared.  
  
AN: Will Hilary be pregnant at 15? Please review! 


	27. Results and what ifs?

4th May 2004  
I am not pregnant! But it was a close call; we will have to be more careful  
in the future. I now share a bed with Robert, his head is currently on my  
shoulder and he is hinting for us to repeat the night of May the 2nd. I  
have just told him no, not until he uses protection. I was so scared what  
if I was pregnant? Would I keep the baby? Or would I have an abortion? I  
don't want to think about being pregnant until I want to start a family.  
Robert has gone to the bathroom with a grin on his face, what is he up to?  
I told Oliver about my scare this morning, he has promised that he will  
tell nobody. I told him he is an extremely good friend, as I don't want  
everyone to know about it. I still cant help but wonder what would of  
happened if the test was positive. What would I tell my family and friends?  
Would Robert leave me or would he stand by me and the dissuasion I would  
make? I will be prepared from now on. I was so scared I couldn't look at  
the test, Robert had to tell me. Speaking of Robert he has come back and  
has put his head on my lap, I will have to see what he wants. As if I  
didn't already know. 


	28. Love life and Wales

5th May 2004  
Robert and me have had a lengthy discussion about our sex life. He knows no  
protection, no sex and only if we're both in the mood. I love him so much!  
I never thought my life could be this way. We have had our ups and downs  
but I think I have a wonderful and totally amazing relationship with  
Robert. I have never felt this strong about one person. I hope he feels the  
same. Unfortunately I couldn't be with my boyfriend today. My mother has  
announced we are going on holiday to Wales! (A.N: I have been here) Great!  
If my life got any better my house would fall down. 


	29. Not again and holiday!

10th May 2004  
I have just remembered something! You can't tell if you're pregnant  
straight after! I am going on a camping trip to Wales in a week so I am  
leaving my diary here. I don't trust my brothers on long trips. Anyway I  
have had a second pregnancy test and I am not pregnant! I told Robert,  
maybe I shouldn't have told him while he was drinking something. He choked  
and I had to tell him again after he recovered. He said what was the  
result, I told him negative.  
I don't want to go to Wales! Robert said he would see if he could persuade  
my parents to let me come with him on a Caribbean cruise. My parents like  
him so I am sure they will understand I have a life. And they will let me  
go on a real holiday. I said I would ask them if I could go. They will see  
it more from my point of view. 


	30. Protesting

30th May 2004  
I have tied myself to my bed in a bold protest against my cruel, unloving  
parents. They have put their own selfish needs before their doting  
daughters. They said I couldn't go on a cruise with Robert as we are going  
to Wales as a family. What's wrong with me going on holiday with my  
boyfriend? I told them they were being unfair and difficult. Dad said if I  
didn't go to Wales then he would cut of my allowance. At the risk of loss  
of income I am protesting against my family holiday to Wales. I wonder if I  
will be in the papers? Just in case I put on my best dress, my good shoes,  
some light make-up and the new sunglasses mum bought me as a bribe to go to  
a country where I wont need them. I have tied my feet to the end of my bed  
with handcuffs. This will teach them.  
Mum, dads, Karin, all my brothers AND Robert have just walked into my room  
and are looking at me as if I am mad. Unfortunately I have lost the key so  
I am stuck to the bed. All present males are trying to detach me from my  
bed. This is my parent's fault. They bring this upon them selves you know.  
If only the had let me go on a cruise and not bought me handcuffs then none  
of this would of happened. 


	31. Wish I wasn't here

17th June 2004  
I am still in Wales! Nothing but hills and sheep for miles, what joy! The  
whole family is shoved into a small cottage in the middle of nowhere. There  
is no electricity so I can't call anyone. No heating so I wear three  
outfits at the same time! And the worst of it is my parents are going on  
about how wonderful it is here. The nearest civilisation is a phone box two  
miles down the road! I miss Robert but I am angry that he didn't defend me  
while I tried to persuade my parents to let me go with him on a cruise. It  
was my dad's pop eyes and wiry monobrow that probably intimidate him. My  
only outlet is my PDA that I snuck along with me, my mum has a no  
technology policy on holiday.  
I've bought some things to give to my friends:  
Oliver: Traditional Welsh recipes  
Enrique: A woolly sheep plushie  
Robert: Welsh history book  
Johnny: A wooden charm of courage.  
  
I want to go home! Or a decent shopping center. 


	32. Walks in the woods

19th June 2004  
I went for a walk in the forest today. I wasn't looking where I was going  
and I walked into someone. When I looked to see who it was I had a shock,  
it was Johnny! He asked me what was I doing here and I told him I was on  
holiday with my family. He said he was here with his school. We talked for  
a while and Johnny mentioned that he had to go to a school formal event  
tomorrow night and he was dreading it. I laughed and said it couldn't be  
that bad wearing a suit. He said he wishes he were wearing a suit because  
he has to wear a kilt. (AN: He He! A Johnny fan girl's dream) I said he  
might not be the only one but he said he was. Then I came up with a really  
dumb idea, well at the time I thought it was a good one anyway I said I  
would go with him so he didn't feel alone. Johnny said he would appreciate  
it if I came.  
Great not only do I have nothing to wear but also I feel as if I am  
betraying Robert. Could it get any worse? 


	33. I think I love you

21st June 2004  
Last night I went with Johnny to his school's formal event. I wore a short  
emerald dress with a golden veil shawl and matching sandals. I also put a  
green butterfly clip in my hair and some light make up. Johnny picked me up  
in his limo. He looked good in his kilt; I didn't know why he was  
embarrassed. It was ok, but the conversation was so dull and Johnny has to  
put up with this all the time! We almost fell asleep!  
Johnny was so embarrassed he was the only Scottish person wearing a kilt;  
actually he was the only person wearing a kilt. I tried to make him feel  
better by saying we could train tomorrow.  
It was a bit too hot so we went out for some air. It was a lovely night,  
the starts were out and it was a full moon shining on the lake near the  
garden we were in. We had a talk,  
'Hilary'  
'Yes?'  
'Thanks for coming, I mean after what I've put you through'  
'So does this mean you've found someone?'  
'No, I still love you'  
'Oh Johnny'  
'I meant what I said, I will always love you'  
'Please find someone, because if you don't you will always feel this way'  
'I know but Hilary can you answer me this question truthfully and from the  
heart'  
'Yes or course'  
'If you weren't with Robert, would I even stand a chance?' What was I meant  
to say; yes because right now I think I have a crush on you? Tell him that  
sometimes I scare myself when I am sad because I want to run to him for  
comfort not Robert. I feel so vain that my mind thinks those things; I  
shouldn't think those things at all.  
'I can't answer an if because I don't know the answer'. After that it was  
announced that students had to return to their rooms and take their  
partners home. Johnny drove me home the entire journey I kept thinking 'am  
I truly happy with Robert? Or am I lying to myself?  
I am so confused, especially when Johnny hugged me. Usually I would have  
hugged quickly back and say bye. But I didn't; I wanted to stay there  
longer and let him hold me. I feel so wrong and so guilty; I hate myself  
for what I am feeling. I want to scream to Johnny I don't love him and for  
him to get a life. No I don't want to do that, and that's why I am mad at  
myself because I want to do the exact opposite.  
I think I am in love with Johnny McGregor.  
  
AN: Is Hilary really in love with Johnny? Will so break up with Robert?  
What do you think she should do? 


	34. Fadded emotions

23rd June 2004  
I've come back to Germany and Johnny has gone back to Scotland. I feel so  
guilty cause I miss him more than Robert. I have to tell Robert that I  
can't go on being with him. He thinks some of the things I do are so  
childish like playing videogames. He is a lot older than me and even though  
we have shared physical love I know we weren't meant to be. We don't click  
or fit or whatever. I will see if its just because I haven't seen him in  
ages, I hope its that because I don't want to hurt Robert. I hate myself so  
much. 


	35. I miss you

28th July 2004  
Robert has been acting really distant to me. I've spent time with the  
friends I've made here but I hardly see Robert any more. We still call each  
other but we don't talk for long. Why is this happening, what going on with  
us? My birthday is in a few days so I hope he will remember. I miss him.  
Its like he's on the other side of the world not a few hours away. 


	36. Happy birthday!

14th September 2004

Today is my 16th birthday. I am sitting in bed with Robert right now after giving him my thank you present, he's really exhausted. I came over to Robert's to talk to him but I couldn't find him, the butler told me he was in the gardens. I went out to find that Robert had been planning me a surprise party! That's why he's been so secretive lately. It was great; my teammates were there as well as my friends. I got really nice gifts but Robert's was the most overwhelming. He took me aside while everyone was talking and he asked me to marry him! I almost collapsed; I never thought in a million years he would ask me anything near that! He said I didn't have to answer right now but I could think about it. I don't know what to say, I need help! I'll ask my friends and I can't believe it but I will ask my mum. Well she is married.

I've got to go Robert is kissing my neck and is asking me to come to bed, I thought he had, had enough? That's men for you. Oh well, its not like I don't want to anyway!


	37. Thoughts

17th September 2004

I've been thinking about Robert's proposal of marriage. I told Oliver, he said Robert would be heart broken. How can I tell him? I don't want to hurt him or loose him. It's just at this moment in our relationship; I don't think we should be thinking about being together forever. I asked my mum and she said I should marry Robert as he is my perfect match. I'm too young to be married!

On a completely unrelated topic, Johnny has a girlfriend. She is such a horrible person, how could anyone be with her? I'm scared cause last night me and Robert didn't use protection. I've taken a pregnancy test and its positive. I'm pregnant. I haven't told anyone and I'm so scared. How do I tell Robert? How can I tell him I don't want to marry him but I'm pregnant with his child! It's still too early to tell if I'm really pregnant, so I will take another test in a few days. I'm so scared and I don't know what to do or who to go to.

One half of me wants to run to Robert saying; Yes, I'll marry you and guess what? We're having a baby! But the other half wants me to run to Johnny saying; I'm not marring Robert, I don't hold his child! I love you! I want to be with you! Why is this happening to me so fast? I'm so confused.


	38. No, you should know and yes!

19th September 2004

I've taken another test and I'm pregnant. I've given it some thought and I want to keep the baby, I just need to tell my friends and family. It turns out the girl with Johnny last night was his cousin, not his girlfriend. I asked Oliver how to tell Robert no:

'Look just be honest with him, he's going to be really upset you're saying no'

'But I don't want to hurt him'

'No matter what you say, he will be hurt'

'Thanks'

'For what?'

'For being there'

'Any time'

I took Robert to our bedroom and told him:

'Robert, I love you'

'That's good and I love you too'

'What I'm trying to say is'

'Yes?'

'Robert, I'm so sorry but I can't marry you'

'What! Why?'

'I'm too young and I'm not ready and I just'

'Please reconsider, I love you'

'I love you too but I just can't'

'Why?'

'I'm too young, I've only just turned sixteen, and this is all way too fast'

'I know we're both young but I just know we were meant to be together'

'If you think that, then why do you think a piece of paper will make any difference, people spend their whole lives together and they're not married'

'I know it's just, I want to let you know I'm faithful to you'

'I know you are, you've been with me through a lot and you may be confused to why I can't marry you after what I have to tell you'

'What?' I took his hands and placed them where my womb is

'In here, is something you and I created together, because we couldn't control ourselves'

'Your pregnant!'

'Yes' I burst into tears 'Robert I'm so sorry, it's all my fault' he pulled me to him and rocked me in his arms.

'It's my fault, we agreed what to do and I wasn't thinking, now what are we going to do?'

'I don't want to give my baby away'

'I wouldn't let you anyway' I looked up at him 'I couldn't bear the thought that there was a part of me out there and I didn't know where it was'

'Robert, will you leave me if I keep the baby?'

'Never, why would I?'

'I do want to keep my baby, but I also want to have an education, I can't see how I can have one and have the other'

'I can'

'How?'

'Well when you find it difficult to move, you can be home schooled'

'My parents cant afford that! I doubt they'll let me keep the child as it is'

'Let me finish, you could move here as I want to be with you through this and be taught by a tutor I'll hire'

'You mean that, you want to be with me?'

'Yes'

'Even when my hormones start acting up?'

'Yes'

'Even if both our families disapprove?'

'Yes'

'Even when I get fat?'

'Yes'

'Really?'

'Yes, Hilary I played a part in making this child'

'Yeah, you were amazing'

'And, huh you think I'm good in bed?' I nodded then we looked at each other all lovey-dovey then he snapped back into reality 'as I was saying, I'm going to help you through this'

'Robert you don't know what this means to me'

'There's just one thing'

'What?'

'How will we tell our parents?'

'That will take some doing'

'We'll get through it' at that moment I knew I couldn't be with anybody else.

'Yes'

'What?'

'I was scared you would leave me but now I know that you'll be there for me, my answer is yes'

'Hilary I don't' it took him a few seconds to realise what I was on about 'You mean you will marry me!'

'Yes' he picked me up and held me high

'Hilary you've made me the happiest man ever'

'And I promise nothing will come between us'

I still can't believe I going to be married! We agreed to have an announcement party to tell all our close friends and family. I said after the party is over we should tell both our families in private that I'm pregnant. I'm not marrying Robert because I'm pregnant, its because I love him. I've never been so happy in all my life!


	39. Announcements

24th September 2004 

Today was the announcement party of our engagement. We want to be married as soon as possible; I don't want to go into labour in the middle of the ceremony. I wore a ruby strapless short dress with black embroidery on and matching shoes. I had my hair done in loose angel curls. I put on a bit of light matching makeup. Before we went to the party, which was in the garden, Robert gave me a magnificent engagement ring. I wasn't big, a bluish diamond in the shape of a lotus blossom on a ring of white gold. He said 'to you, the only one for me', I love him so much!

The garden was amazing, the bushes had white fairy lights in them, the tables were simple but elegant and there was lanterns lighting up the dark sky.

We had dinner, which Oliver kindly had made for us by some of the best chefs in France. When everyone was drinking his or her coffee and chatting, Robert suggested we make our announcement. When we had everyone's attention, which I got by making a funny noise (some people are rude when they don't pay attention) Robert made his speech, I was way too nervous. 'Everyone, I've asked all our friends and family here tonight to make a very important announcement.' At this point I stood next to Robert for support, his parents looked strange, 'I' at this point Tyson snored very, loudly and said 'what's for breakfast?' I could have killed him! Max woke him up, thank god. Robert continued 'we wish to tell you all that this amazing woman has agreed to become my wife' a disturbing silence followed. Luckily Ray, Enrique and Oliver applauded and everyone followed. I didn't dare look at Johnny. Everyone congratulated us and so on. Eventually when everyone had left we both managed to take out parents aside and talk to them in the library.

Robert's mother was completely against the idea 'Robert, I can't believe you! She is a nice enough girl but really darling have some taste' Robert's father was trying to apologise to my parents; he does want Robert to marry me. After we calmed them down, which took a while, we found out whom like and disliked the idea. Robert's other and my dad hates the idea and Robert's father and mother like the idea. Eventually I had enough and, 'Look I respect your views but the point is this, Robert and me are about to take the most important journey of our lives, the least you could be is to accept it'. At that point Robert's mother leapt up and started to yell at Robert. His father tried to calm her down but it was no use, she really doesn't want Robert to marry me.

When we told them we think I could be pregnant, it was the only thing they all disagreed on. Before they left my mum said I should go to the doctors a check to see if I am really pregnant. So I'll have a fun day at the hospital tomorrow! It can't get any worse.


	40. Maybe

25th September 2004

Well it turns out I'm not pregnant, that's the last time I trust a test that cost one euro. Robert seemed disappointed, I asked him why; he said he was sort of looking forward to being a father. I said after we're married we can talk about having a family. Robert's mother has cooled down; well actually she is pleased I'm not pregnant. Johnny keeps looking at me with those puppy dog eyes of his. He makes me think, am I doing the right thing? I am very young and what's the rush? He's not been himself since the announcement party. I don't think I'm ready for this, it's happening too fast!


	41. Forbidden love?

10th October 2004

I can't go through with this! I can't marry Robert! One thing I'm not ready and another thing, I'm in love with Johnny! There I said it. Well actually wrote it. Anyway I was pacing my room when Johnny came it, he's got nice eyes. Focus, he came up to me and before I got a word out he pulled me into a deep kiss. For all he knew I could have been chewing gum! I kissed back, so thank god the door was closed. It took me until I almost collapsed from lack of oxygen to realise what I was doing and with whom. I pulled back to breath, he is a really good kisser, did I write that?

Again before I could say a word he interrupted, 'Hilary, I love you so I can't let you marry Robert' then he went on reason why. To make he stop I kissed him, that caught his attention.

'Johnny, I was going to call of the wedding anyway and I' but then I covered my mouth.

'You what?' I still had my hands on my mouth when I said

'I love you' he took away my hands and kissed my nose.

'I love you too' then he held me. How am I going to tell Robert we're through?


	42. Only cold feet

13th October 2004

Yesterday I went to tell Robert, I couldn't marry him. But when I look at him, I just can't do it. I still love him. Is what I feel for Johnny fates way of testing my loyalty? Is it cold feet that's making me do this? I told Johnny I still love Robert and what happened between us didn't mean anything. He said he would try to get over me but it wouldn't be easy. I'm still unsure of what to do.

We're having the wedding on New Year's Day, the day of our first kiss. My knees go weak thinking about it. I haven't thought about my dress yet. I want a fairytale dress, its what I've dreamed of since a little girl! I've made a rule, no sex until the wedding night, Robert tried to protest but I stuck to my morals and laid the law down. A girl has got to let her man know, no not tonight.

I wuv my Robbie-kins. I'm feeling all cute!


	43. Dress and starting the plans

23rd October 2004

I know now I defiantly want to marry Robert. I love him!

I went shopping for my dress. It's gorgeous! It's white with gold trimming and there's a split in the middle from my waist to the bottom. It has white frill petticoats. I have a little gold crown with my veil attached to it. I've also got gold glove that go past my elbows with gold trimming. And to top it off I've got a white fur cloak with a hood, gold trimming and fastenings.

It a winter wedding so that's why I have a fur cloak, well it practical.

Enrique, Oliver and my mother were with me when I tried it on. When I came out of the dressing room they were all in tears. They said I looked like a winter angel. Enrique hugged my saying 'look at our little girl, she's grown up!' my mother had to correct him that was what she was meant to say.

I'm growing my hair so I can have it up in an elegant style. My, shoes, which I've forgotten to mention, are white with little crowns sewn on the front and white fur around my ankles.

My bouquet will be white roses. My dress isn't puffy at all, it's sleek. At the bottom its bell shaped though. I have to have this frame under my dress, I feel like a building under construction.

Robert keeps pinning for sex, I keep saying no. Is that all he wants? I said 'if you're a very good boy, I'll give you a very special wedding present' he was practically drooling!

Well I' am getting a corset, it will help hold back any sneaky weight I might of put on! I probably will go will the whole thing, stockings etc. Well Robert would of gone three months without. I don't want our relationship to revolve around the bedroom.

I think Robert sensed this because he took me for a moonlight dinner on his yacht on the lake near the castle. He can really be romantic sometimes.

We talked about having a family. We don't want to rush into it. Because we want to spend a few years of married life just the two of us.

Robert won't tell me where he is taking me on our honeymoon. I wonder where he's taking me?


	44. Huge argument

29th October 2004

Well I told Robert about what happened with Johnny and me while we were having breakfast. He ranted on; eventually I burst into tears and hid in the bathroom.

He banged on the door for half an hour yelling at me. I shouted through the door, very hard, as it's really thick, for him to stop yelling and to calm down.

He stop and I came out. He was looking down at me. I felt small and pathetic. I just looked into his eyes a started to cry again. I fell back onto the wall saying things that didn't make sense.

He asked me what did I let him kiss me. He voice was cold; he's never spoken to me like that before. I said I was confused, scared and unsure of what to do. I explained he kissed me. He said it was regardless who kissed whom, but I kissed back.

Robert looked at me. I was on the floor sobbing now. I felt so weak at pathetic. I've never been so ashamed and disgusted with myself.

But I didn't degrade myself to stay with Robert. I may love him but I won't be untrue to myself. I am strong without him. But my love for him allows me to need and want him. I love Robert so much. I need to love him and him me. I'd think I would die if he hated me. But I won't degrade myself for him. I may love and need him. But I won't dishonour my family, my ancestors or myself. Every woman in my family would hate me if I did.

He took my hand and pulled me to my feet. I fell onto him crying that I was sorry and I didn't ask for it to happen. He said he didn't mean to yell, he was upset. He said cold feet must have got the better of me, because I wouldn't usually do that.

I said I was so sorry and we couldn't just blame this on nerves. He kissed me. I felt this weird tingly sensation; it felt like he is the only person I'll ever want to kiss.

He pulled back and left me looking like a fish. I blushed and he laughed at me. I hit him playfully. He grabbed me and tickled be till I screamed for him to stop. We sat on the large balcony outside our bedroom.

He said he couldn't wait for New Years day to come. I can't either.


	45. Preperations and pet names

20th December 2004

I'm so stressed about the wedding, I'm thankful the dress and so on have been sorted. Robert has had his stag night; I don't know the details but Oliver told me it was tasteful. I'm having a sophisticated hen night, so I'm going out to dinner with a few friends. Miriam and Selma are coming to help me with preparing for the wedding. I have a horrible feeling they will compete to be maid of honour.

Robert has a strange habit of rubbing my nose before we go to bed; I have no idea why he does that. When I ask him why he just grins and shrugs. I called him snuggle buggy, to get him to tell my why; he hates it when I call him that, it's a pet name. He calls me his little red-eyed hedgehog, I get annoyed when he calls me that when I'm in a mood or busy.

Eleven more days until the wedding, I'm excited!


	46. Future thoughts

27th December 2004

The wedding is just days away, I'm so excited! Robert keeps checking that everything is going to be perfect. I keep telling him to relax but when the phone rings he practically attacks it. The nerves are getting to him. He asked me would I be Mrs Jurgen or Mrs Tatchibanna Jurgen. I said would he be insulted if I kept my name and also took his. He was quite shocked at the idea but said if it made me happy, then I can have my name. Mrs Hilary Tatchibanna Jurgen, it sounds like something so unreal. But it's going to happen. I'll be Robert's wife! My new name sounds more real with each passing day.

Christmas day was wonderful. Robert filled the sitting room with presents for me! He bought me clothes; jewellery, books, perfumes, candy and he got me the cutest little puppy ever! It's a German shepherd and it's so sweet. Everything seems to interest him and he plays gently. I called him Hund.

Robert asked me on Christmas would I enjoy Christmas more if we had a child to unwrap presents with. That took me away a bit. ''Robert, I didn't realise you wanted a child so soon''

''Well I do, I know we agreed to wait a few years but''

''You want a family, don't you?''

''Well if your not comfortable with it, then we can wait for as long as you want. It's selfish or me really, you'd be the one carrying them''

''Them?'' I didn't know he wanted more than one child, I guess it would be nice to have a few.

''Oh I meant it''

''No, you meant them'' I couldn't help but smile. ''I'd love to start a family Robert, especially with you. But I do want to wait until we both feel ready''

''Of course. Hilary if we do want children, how many would you want?'' I thought for a bit.

''Two or three, and you?''

''You'll probably think I'm mad or strange when I say this but five'' he said five very cautiously as if he was embarrassed to even be think about children at his age. He had a light blush on his face.

''Five!'' I was shocked but I smiled in surprise. I didn't know he wanted a large family. I knew he wanted a family but this shocked me.

''I know a ridiculous idea''

''No just a surprise, that's all. So five, how many of each?'' He looked at me softly and pulled me onto his lap.

''Two boys and three girls''

''I thought you would want mostly boys''

''Strangely no, I want three daughters so I can show off how beautiful and smart they are and how they take after their mother'' I was so flattered by this.

''You think I'm beautiful?''

''Yes, you'd have to constantly produce daughters your entire life so all of them collective could be only half as magnificent as you''

''Oh Robbie-kins''

''Yes my sugar dumpling''

''Sugar dumpling? Where'd that come from?''

''I don't know'' I laughed at his silliness and kissed him. He can be really surprising in a nice way. I can't wait for the wedding it's going to be the best and happiest days of my life.


	47. Wedding Final chapter

10th January 2005

I've been Robert's wife for ten days and I'm loving every second of it. The wedding was all that I dreamed and more. I felt like a princess! The wedding service was like most but it felt so special to be part of it. Usually with weddings I am really bored but it just seemed to fly by until the vows. I couldn't decide of a maid of honour so both Miriam and Selma were maids of honour. I also had my adorable twin cousins as bridesmaids. They were so cute in the cream dresses and their little baskets of flowers. Robert also had trouble with decisions; he couldn't choose a best man so he had Johnny, Oliver and Enrique as his best men. The reception was great, we had a massive banquet. We received loads of wedding gifts. My mother gave me a beautiful jade necklace that was to be given to the child who is married first. It depicts our family symbol a crane in a pond surrounded by louts flowers.

When it came to best man speech Johnny took the weight

''Well I could say a few words about Robert but that would be cruel. Of course its his wedding day so it tradition. As a child Robert was much like he is today, snobby, rude and above all irritating but that's debatable. This really isn't much of a speech but an advisory, take care of each other, love one another and never feel the need for change in the other. So ladies and gentlemen I give you the bride and groom and hopefully knowing Robert we will be, we'll be wetting the baby's head in a few years. Anyway, to the bride and groom''

Then it was my turn for a speech ''I'd like to thank everyone for being here on the most special day of my life. And I don't have much to say but the words of my grandfather, when two people truly believe they belong together then they do belong together and to each other. I now truly know what those words mean and today looking at all of you here as I stand beside my husband I know that this moment belongs to me, Robert and all of you here right now. Thank you and I wish you the best with all my heart''

After everyone minus Tyson had finished eating, Kai, Ray, Max and Kenny came to congratulate me. Kai said I'm still part of the team even though I now live far away. Eventually when everyone left me and Robert went upstairs to our bridal bed. He insisted I kept my eyes shut when he opened the door. When I looked I was amazed, the room was like a fairytale bedroom fit for a princess. He even carried me over the threshold and carefully laid me on the bed.

When they say you'll never forget your wedding night they're not kidding! Robert really showed me how much he loves me that night.

Our honeymoon is amazing; we are at my family's secret privet hot baths and spa. I know I truly want to spend the rest of my life with Robert.

* * *

Well that's the last chapter of 'Dear diary'; I may do a sequel a few years into the future. 


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